Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Good News...

This is the first picture of our newest love.  Back in early October we found out that we were expecting our third child.   We did not hide this news, but we certainly did not talk about it much.  In some ways we were protecting ourselves from getting too excited, in case something were to happen.  Our doctor encouraged us to do the first trimester screening, simply for peace of mind.  The first trimester screen is completed at around 11 weeks gestation and is a non-invasive screen for genetic disorders and some heart defects.  The test came back negative as there were no indicators in either the blood or ultrasound of any issues (the test is anywhere from 85-95% conclusive, depending on who you talk to).  Of course we were relieved, and started to believe that we could actually look forward to the birth of a healthy baby into our lives.

Now we find ourselves thinking both about Brody, mostly in positive ways, and this new tiny baby growing inside me.  We do not expect this baby to replace any feelings or love we have for Brody, just like he or she would not take that from Addison, but (as others have said) cause our hearts to grow with more love for another little blessing to our lives.

We have not shared this news with Addison yet, as she speaks daily of her little brother in heaven.  It is quite possible that God is asking her to warm our hearts and help us focus on the truth with her childlike faith.  She talks so honestly about Brody being "up in heaven", but that she would like to play with him or another brother some day.  She has been bombarded with Christmas music (since early November, thanks to her mom), and anytime the words talk of angels, Jesus, Heaven, etc, she exclaims, "this song is about Brody!"  I am not claiming that my daughter is some super Christian at age 2, but that the simplicity of her thoughts is encouraging and uplifting for both of us:-)

So, I am 14 weeks pregnant and grateful.  I actually do not wish anything thus far in our lives away.  Life continues to unfold, and God reveals how He works in everything for His good.  This does not seem all so clear every day, but most days we continue to feel so thankful that we were given a son that has caused us to become more interested in our eternal home and even eager to get there at times.  We also know that the little life that will come into the world in June would not exist if things would have been different with Brody.  We feel blessed to have been changed by it all, and pray that God does allow us to be challenged in this life so that we can become all that He wants us to be (and I still have a REALLY long way to go...I guess that means LOTS of challenges....)

Lindsey

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Lots of processing...

It has been nearly six months since we lost Brody.  Most of the time it feels like it has been a few weeks.  Probably because, for some reason I chose to shut down a lot of my emotions after we lost him.  Prior to losing him, during the months that I carried Brody after learning of his condition, Jason and I tried very hard to focus on what was positive, our blessings.  There were many, and still are.  In doing that I was also trying very hard to shut down any negative feelings.  At times I would let myself be honest about what was sad, difficult, and confusing.  But most of the time I didn't.  Without any real direction from anyone, I continued with this approach after he was gone, even though many days it did not feel like it was working.

There have been several times over the past 6 months where I have felt God asking me to just talk to Him and be honest with Him. Just that simple urge to go to one of my books, journals, the Bible or even this blog.  But, that seemed too difficult.  It was going to take me back to that painful place where I had been throughout the previous months and especially on the day we lost him.  Most of the time I chose "distraction" instead.  The busier I kept myself, the better.  That way I would not have to think about how I really felt and how I so wished that Brody was here with me.

We began seeing a counselor in September, as I felt myself "losing it", to say the least.  I started noticing that I was not able to finish a page in a book, a short prayer, one small task on a "to do" list, or anything that required any sort of concentration.  I was becoming angry with Jason for things that I had never cared about, I found myself having no energy for basic daily tasks, and I could not remember anything for the life of me.  I was living day to day, with really no idea what was going on the next day, but rather just what we could do to breeze through the day.

 The counselor helped us realize that it does not matter how difficult our situation is compared to the next, that we needed to go through the stages of grief.  She encouraged us to be more real and to spend time "in"the grief.  For me this meant looking at Brody's pictures, watching a slide show of his pictures, reading from the many books that were given to us from loving friends and family, and talking about him. 

I have been reading a book called, "A Grace Disguised", by Dr. Jerry Sittser.  I think I will continue to read this book over and over again for the rest of my life.  Dr. Sittser has met me in the middle, acknowledging his pain while also focusing on his blessings.  He has gone through the unthinkable, losing three members of his family in one accident, and has come out with grace. (Now, I have decided I am NOT into comparing one's grief to another's, but let's just say that his loss seems like the absolute worst that one should have to deal with in a lifetime).  Through his book he talks about how he lives with the grief and pain of his loss every day to some degree, but that he also lives with the grace that has transformed him.  He discussed his broadened perspective, looking at his own loss in light of global experience.  After doing this, instead of asking the question, "Why me?" he began to ask the question,  "Why not me?".  Sittser says, "The experience of loss does not have to be the defining moment of our lives, instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss.  It is not what happens to us that matters so much as what happens in us."

Sittser lost his mother, wife and daughter all in the same moment.  Although he very honestly longs for them to still be with him,  he has chosen to give thanks to God for giving him each one of them in the first place.  He acknowledges that he grew up in a healthy and safe home with a loving mother that he developed a good relationship with, he is thankful for that.  He feels blessed to have met and married such a wonderful woman, whom he loved dearly, something some people never get the opportunity to experience.  And he had a beautiful daughter that he raised for 4+ years and that he will be with again someday.  Above all, Sittser talks about his relationship with God and the undeserving grace that He provides him with every day.  Sittser knows that God suffered too, when He lost his own son, and that He suffers every day with us as we deal with our pain and loss.  He also knows from the depths of his heart that this is just our temporary home, and that if he is patient, he will be with his loved ones again one day, for ever and ever.

I love his perspective, and on most days it makes so much sense.  When I think about how God, or even Brody, looks at me and my pain, I know they are just saying, "if you only knew."  When I feel grounded in these truths that Sittser talks about (which are all biblical, as that is his source), I no longer feel sorry for myself and in addition, do not fear what may come in the future. I am very aware that this will be something I will need to continue to be reminded of, which is why I plan to read this book over and over again my whole life:-)

Sittser also discusses God's sovereignty, His complete authority over the universe.  This truth about God has been a challenge for us over the past year, as we have witness great loss in our family and friends lives and also in dealing with the "whys" of our situation.  Mostly, "if God is sovereign than why did he create a sweet little boy who was unable to live?"  Our faith has been challenged, but ultimately strengthened, as God has been present and I see no other way of dealing with pain and loss that with Him.  (I will leave the various perspectives on God's sovereignty up to Sittser...it is hardly possible to explain this without writing a novel of my own!)

So, when I am honest with myself and with others, the truth is that there are many days when I feel like I just wish Brody could have been healthy and stayed with us.  I see other moms with their healthy babies and just wish my life could be like there's.  However, MOST of the time, deep down in my heart, I am thankful that we were given Brody.  God gave us Brody.  He didn't have to give us anything, not Addison or Brody.  But he did.  We have a son, our second child, that is safe in heaven, waiting for us.

That, however, brings me to something that has been on my heart from the months I carried Brody till now, all the time.  Some people, and it seems like many these days, are never able to carry a baby; some cannot conceive and some conceive only to find out over and over again that the baby did not even make it through the first few weeks.  This form of loss is far more difficult for me to process than the loss of Brody.  I pray that God is present for these families and that He reveals His grace to them in obvious and real ways.  I pray that God blesses these families and that His sovereign plan for them brings as much joy to them as anything they could have imagined.

All that said, I find myself coming full circle.  I could say that I although I have depended on God through much of the last year, I have also turned away, tired and frustrated.  I have found myself caught in a pattern of choices, in order to deal with my pain in the moment, that leave me more empty and sad.  But, when I crawl back to our Father, asking Him to carry me through this life, both the good and the bad, I find the grace and peace (and sometimes joy) that I once felt and know I can experience during this life, no matter what it brings.

Lindsey

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hope and Hearts Walk

It has been a roller coaster of a summer.  Just this past Saturday we celebrated Brody and the huge part he has played in our lives.  We participated in a memorial walk with our family and friends to honor him and to participate in raising money for the Missing Grace foundation, that benefits families dealing with infant loss, stillbirth, miscarriage and infertility.  The walk honored MANY sweet babies and families that have gone through something similar and difficult. 

It has been over three months since we lost Brody.  There have been some very good days, a lot of mediocre ones, and some pretty tough ones.  We have learned that no matter where we go or what we do, there is still something deep and difficult fresh in our minds.  We have learned that it is better just to talk about it when the feelings are there...being positive all the time does not make things better, but rather causes the anger, anxiety, fear, and sadness to come up in a variety of other ways.  We have also learned that being brave and strong does not mean doing this all on our own. 

Brody's pictures are up in a very prominent place in our home.  I think we will always have them there, where we can look at them and talk about him.  He was beautiful and perfect.  We talk to Addison about our little Brody in heaven quite a bit.  Actually, on Saturday after the walk we had our own little "balloon release" where 15 of us each sent a blue balloon up to Heaven for Brody.  Addison liked this idea!  We like to believe that he is able to watch us, and listen to us talk about him.  We picture him a young boy, able to run and play, and so wishing that we could see it all from his perspective.  We are trying.

It has been a long time since either of us have written in this blog.  That is mostly because it has been very hard to think about June 12th and how we wish that it would have been so different.  We still wish that he would have stayed here with us, and ever since his August due date it has been nearly impossible to go a day without thinking about what we would be doing if he was here.  We miss him and are so thankful that he was created.  We are grateful that he is our son.


Lindsey & Jason

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Brody's Birthday-Part 2


Our time with Brody was so precious and memorable.  We could never have anticipated it being this way.  Just the day before, we were devastated when we found out that we had lost him already, but the second we were able to hold him in our arms, we were filled with peace and overwhelming love for this little boy.

We found comfort in knowing that he did not have to experience any pain.  God again took charge of this decision for us, and provided the 'comfort care' Himself.  Brody looked like a beautiful, sleeping baby;  one that had peacefully gone to be with his Heavenly Father.  He was beautiful in every way.  We felt our faith deepen as we found ourselves wholeheartedly believing that Brody was no longer a little baby with a condition that was incompatible with life, but rather a healthy little boy, sitting on our Father's lap, possibly looking down at us, asking us to be okay.

We decided to have a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take pictures of Brody and our family with him.  We were so glad that she came.  Allison volunteered her time to capture each and every detail of him.

His hands...

and his feet...

At first we were not sure if we wanted a photographer to come.  This was part of our plan if Brody would have made it through delivery, but when we found out that he had already passed on, we were honestly a little scared about what holding him, taking pictures of him, and sharing him with our family would be like.  We decided to focus on our love for him and honoring him, rather than our concerns and fears; we were so glad that we did.

Our family took turns coming into to our room to "meet" Brody.  I am sure this was extremely difficult and at least as scary for them as it was for us.  But our parents, our siblings, and our dear friend Jill all seemed so comfortable and full of love.  We asked my brother, Trent and our sister-in-law Alyssa to come in first, as they are Brody's godparents.  After they spent some time with us, the rest of our family took turns coming in to hold Brody.  I think any fears were overtaken by how precious and peaceful he was, and of course the overwhelming presence of our Father.  It was good.

A wonderful couple who are pastors at our church came to be with us after Brody was born.  We asked them to baptize Brody.  Although we were already very sure that Brody was in Heaven, we needed the baptism for ourselves.  We wanted to thank God, as a whole family, for giving us Brody.  We wanted to thank Him for taking care of him, and for taking care of us through all of this.  We wanted to baptize Brody, just like we baptized his sister.  Pastor Rich and Pastor Jody carried out such a beautiful service and again, God was so present.



In addition to the decision to have Brody baptized, we also decided to have Addison meet Brody at this time.  We had been taking the approach of being honest with Addison, in two year old terms, and felt that allowing her to see this baby brother we had been talking about for many months, was the right thing to do.  Addison did so well.  She gave her little brother a stuffed bear, blew him a kiss, looked very closely at him, and said "bye Brody" as she left the room.  Just tonight as we were putting her to bed and saying prayers and thanking God for baby Brody, she said, "Baby Brody came out."  We are not exactly sure what she is thinking, but we know that she certainly has not been affected negatively by this, and we are so glad we have been honest with her.  "Baby Brody is in Heaven with Jesus.  Baby Brody is happy."


After our pastors and our family left, it was time for Jason and I to have some alone time with Brody.  We did not want to let him go, and I think in some ways we just felt like he would wake up, that this would all be over, and we could take him home like the other families in the hospital.  About four hours after we got to hold Brody for the first time, we decided it was time to let him go.  We wrapped him in a blanket that was made just for him by his Nana.  We cried, and kissed him, and held him as close as we possibly could, and then let our nurse take him away.  We then needed to focus on our sweet son in Heaven.  Thank you Lord for taking care of him.  We know he was already with you this whole time.


We are doing okay.  We are thankful that God has continued to make some sense of this all for us.  We are thankful that He has provided so many amazing people in our lives...one of His ways of reaching us so tangibly on this earth.  We also know that we are not alone.  We know that many others are dealing with very difficult situations, some that do not seem to make any sense.  We are praying for you.  We pray that God can provide some answers and reveal the blessings.  We also pray that you will find the strength and the faith to know that your questions that cannot be answered, someday will.  That if you patiently and faithfully wait, He will be there, providing the peace and joy that will pull you through.  We are finding that this is something we need to ask for daily.

There is still so much more that we want to share.  Especially our gratefulness to our friends, family, church and the support from people that we don't even know.  Just when we are beginning to feel weak, your emails, cards, text messages, phone calls, meals, flowers, and thoughtful gifts, remind us of how much love this little boy has brought to the forefront of our lives.  Thank you!

Love,
Lindsey & Jason

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Brody's Birthday- Part 1

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
- Job 1:21

Here is our beautiful boy.  Brody Paul Vaughan was delivered into our Father's arms before we were able to deliver him into our own,  but we continue to feel peace.  I could not resist sharing this picture for another day; we have been admiring how perfect and peaceful he is, and are trying to decide whether he looks more like mom or dad.

It has been difficult to find the motivation and energy to write about our experience last weekend, but it is simply all we can think about and we certainly want to share more of him with you.  We are finding that as we share Brody with family, friends, and people that we don't even know, the love and support pours back to us, carrying us through the next difficult moment or day.  It is so important to us that Brody's life matters, and you are all confirming to us that it does.  Thank you.

Last Saturday, June 11th, we spent the morning in the car driving to and from a cabin in the Bay Lake area with Jason's parents, Rick and Jan.  I had not felt Brody move much the prior day, but had kept that to myself to avoid causing Jason to worry unnecessarily.  In fact, I remember many days when I was pregnant with Addison, where there was little to no movement, but then the following day she would make up for it.  So, I decided to use the four hours in the car to decide if there was something to worry about.  Brody has been a very active baby, so when all four hours went by while I was sitting still in my seat, and I did not feel a single movement, I began to worry.  When we arrived back in the Cities, I called my doctor and she asked me to come into the University Medical Center as soon as possible to have a ultrasound.  We left Addison with my parents and hurried to the U of M. 

When we arrived, they brought us back into a room for the exam.  Our doctor quickly started the scan and within seconds looked at us with a serious face and said, "I do not see any movement, and I do not see a heartbeat."  As we began to lose it, she said, "I'm sorry, but I must continue.  I need to be 200% sure."  I could no longer look at the screen, so I just kept my head in my hands while Jason wrapped his arms around me.  Our doctor's final words were, "I am so sorry, but I am afraid that this little guy is gone.  I will leave you two alone."  We sat there weeping and asking God and each other, "Why?"  We had been praying specifically for time with Brody.  That is all we wanted, just a little time to look him into the eyes and tell him how much we loved him.  I was supposed to still have two months to carry him, proudly, while he moved around inside of me.  We had planned our summer around him, because we wanted to.  We were not ready to let him go, not even close.  (I will let Jason pick up from here.)

It was around 2:30 PM that Saturday when we were given two options; either go home and come back within a week to be induced, or check into the hospital that day. Between the two of us, we couldn't imagine going home and then having to come back. We checked in that day and they induced Lindsey at around 5:00 PM. The doctors were not certain as to how long the labor would last, but they thought Brody would be delivered sometime on Sunday. Our family came to visit us on Saturday night. We spent a lot of time talking and getting ready for what was to come Sunday. That night we didn't sleep much. Between the nurses coming in every hour or so, the anxiety of "when", and the fact that we were in a hospital, sleep was the last thing on our minds. We decided to get out of bed at 6:00 AM on Sunday morning. The nurse let Lindsey and me go for a walk and get something to eat in the hospital cafeteria. We spent most of the time in silence, simply knowing what the other was feeling; we were not ready to give Brody up.  The rest of the time we spent discussing Lindsey's options regarding pain relief during the delivery. As much as this was Lindsey's decision, I didn't want her to remember this day as one filled with both emotional and physical pain. Lindsey made the call and the epidural was done at 9:00 AM. At this time, her contractions were less than a minute apart. As the pain drifted, Lindsey's eyes started to close as she fell asleep. I let her get some rest and went to greet our family in the room next store. 

About a hour and a half later, Lindsey's water broke. I ran back into the room and saw Lindsey in tears. She looked so terrified. I ran to her side and grabbed her hand. I had confidence at that time that only God can deliver. It was the same confidence that I had when I got off the phone with the doctors the day that we found out about Brody's condition. The doctor and nursing staff rushed into the room as Lindsey laid there in tears. As the doctor worked, I couldn't help but look to see our son's body. That image will be burned in my mind for the rest of my life. The nurse quickly wrapped Brody's body in a blanket and placed him in Lindsey's arms. He was so beautiful. We couldn't see any imperfections, all we could see was our perfect little boy. 

During Lindsey's pregnancy with Brody, I never felt the same connection as she experienced. Her love for him was so strong, much stronger than mine. The second I saw Brody, he became real. He is my son. At that moment I experienced the connection that Lindsey had been talking about for months. The only problem was that he was no longer with us.  

(we will update more at a later time)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Update

Dear Family and Friends,

We have been trying to find the energy to provide you with a glimpse of our very special day with Brody this past Sunday.  We do so look forward to sharing more of Brody's story with you, but to be honest are feeling emotionally overwhelmed at this time.  We felt more deeply in love with this child than we ever could have expected, and miss him soooo much.  If we had it our way, we would still be carrying him, and waiting for our time with him.  It came and went much too quickly, so we are clinging to the fact that sweet Brody is with our Heavenly Father and many other dear friends and family that have gone before us.  We know that we will be with him again one day, but we so don't want to wait right now...we still want more time here on this earth.  Brody was precious and beautiful and perfect.

We have really appreciated the outpouring of support from our extraordinary family and friends.  My how you have all managed to lighten the load a little, carrying us, with our Lord, just as He promises.  We are thankful for you all and continue to feel so blessed by our Brody.  Between the two of us, we are determined to record every detail of Brody's birthday weekend, celebrate him meeting our amazing Father, and to be able to share it all with you.

Thank you for taking the time to read all that is on our hearts.  You are helping us to make this sweet baby boy's life significant, as it so deserves to be.

Love,
Jason & Lindsey

"I asked the Lord to give me this child, and he has given me my request.  Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."
- 1 Samuel 1: 27-29

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Brody's Birthday

Our sweet Brody was welcomed into Heaven today.
We have peace knowing he is in the hands of Jesus, looking down at us with a smile filled with joy.
We will miss our little buddy, however, we know we will see him in the future. 
We will share more about our special day with him later.