Brody's Birthday-Part 2

Our time with Brody was so precious and memorable.  We could never have anticipated it being this way.  Just the day before, we were devastated when we found out that we had lost him already, but the second we were able to hold him in our arms, we were filled with peace and overwhelming love for this little boy.

We found comfort in knowing that he did not have to experience any pain.  God again took charge of this decision for us, and provided the 'comfort care' Himself.  Brody looked like a beautiful, sleeping baby;  one that had peacefully gone to be with his Heavenly Father.  He was beautiful in every way.  We felt our faith deepen as we found ourselves wholeheartedly believing that Brody was no longer a little baby with a condition that was incompatible with life, but rather a healthy little boy, sitting on our Father's lap, possibly looking down at us, asking us to be okay.

We decided to have a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to take pictures of Brody and our family with him.  We were so glad that she came.  Allison volunteered her time to capture each and every detail of him.

His hands...

and his feet...

At first we were not sure if we wanted a photographer to come.  This was part of our plan if Brody would have made it through delivery, but when we found out that he had already passed on, we were honestly a little scared about what holding him, taking pictures of him, and sharing him with our family would be like.  We decided to focus on our love for him and honoring him, rather than our concerns and fears; we were so glad that we did.

Our family took turns coming into to our room to "meet" Brody.  I am sure this was extremely difficult and at least as scary for them as it was for us.  But our parents, our siblings, and our dear friend Jill all seemed so comfortable and full of love.  We asked my brother, Trent and our sister-in-law Alyssa to come in first, as they are Brody's godparents.  After they spent some time with us, the rest of our family took turns coming in to hold Brody.  I think any fears were overtaken by how precious and peaceful he was, and of course the overwhelming presence of our Father.  It was good.

A wonderful couple who are pastors at our church came to be with us after Brody was born.  We asked them to baptize Brody.  Although we were already very sure that Brody was in Heaven, we needed the baptism for ourselves.  We wanted to thank God, as a whole family, for giving us Brody.  We wanted to thank Him for taking care of him, and for taking care of us through all of this.  We wanted to baptize Brody, just like we baptized his sister.  Pastor Rich and Pastor Jody carried out such a beautiful service and again, God was so present.

In addition to the decision to have Brody baptized, we also decided to have Addison meet Brody at this time.  We had been taking the approach of being honest with Addison, in two year old terms, and felt that allowing her to see this baby brother we had been talking about for many months, was the right thing to do.  Addison did so well.  She gave her little brother a stuffed bear, blew him a kiss, looked very closely at him, and said "bye Brody" as she left the room.  Just tonight as we were putting her to bed and saying prayers and thanking God for baby Brody, she said, "Baby Brody came out."  We are not exactly sure what she is thinking, but we know that she certainly has not been affected negatively by this, and we are so glad we have been honest with her.  "Baby Brody is in Heaven with Jesus.  Baby Brody is happy."

After our pastors and our family left, it was time for Jason and I to have some alone time with Brody.  We did not want to let him go, and I think in some ways we just felt like he would wake up, that this would all be over, and we could take him home like the other families in the hospital.  About four hours after we got to hold Brody for the first time, we decided it was time to let him go.  We wrapped him in a blanket that was made just for him by his Nana.  We cried, and kissed him, and held him as close as we possibly could, and then let our nurse take him away.  We then needed to focus on our sweet son in Heaven.  Thank you Lord for taking care of him.  We know he was already with you this whole time.

We are doing okay.  We are thankful that God has continued to make some sense of this all for us.  We are thankful that He has provided so many amazing people in our lives...one of His ways of reaching us so tangibly on this earth.  We also know that we are not alone.  We know that many others are dealing with very difficult situations, some that do not seem to make any sense.  We are praying for you.  We pray that God can provide some answers and reveal the blessings.  We also pray that you will find the strength and the faith to know that your questions that cannot be answered, someday will.  That if you patiently and faithfully wait, He will be there, providing the peace and joy that will pull you through.  We are finding that this is something we need to ask for daily.

There is still so much more that we want to share.  Especially our gratefulness to our friends, family, church and the support from people that we don't even know.  Just when we are beginning to feel weak, your emails, cards, text messages, phone calls, meals, flowers, and thoughtful gifts, remind us of how much love this little boy has brought to the forefront of our lives.  Thank you!

Love,
Lindsey & Jason

Brody's Birthday- Part 1

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
- Job 1:21

Here is our beautiful boy.  Brody Paul Vaughan was delivered into our Father's arms before we were able to deliver him into our own,  but we continue to feel peace.  I could not resist sharing this picture for another day; we have been admiring how perfect and peaceful he is, and are trying to decide whether he looks more like mom or dad.

It has been difficult to find the motivation and energy to write about our experience last weekend, but it is simply all we can think about and we certainly want to share more of him with you.  We are finding that as we share Brody with family, friends, and people that we don't even know, the love and support pours back to us, carrying us through the next difficult moment or day.  It is so important to us that Brody's life matters, and you are all confirming to us that it does.  Thank you.

Last Saturday, June 11th, we spent the morning in the car driving to and from a cabin in the Bay Lake area with Jason's parents, Rick and Jan.  I had not felt Brody move much the prior day, but had kept that to myself to avoid causing Jason to worry unnecessarily.  In fact, I remember many days when I was pregnant with Addison, where there was little to no movement, but then the following day she would make up for it.  So, I decided to use the four hours in the car to decide if there was something to worry about.  Brody has been a very active baby, so when all four hours went by while I was sitting still in my seat, and I did not feel a single movement, I began to worry.  When we arrived back in the Cities, I called my doctor and she asked me to come into the University Medical Center as soon as possible to have a ultrasound.  We left Addison with my parents and hurried to the U of M. 

When we arrived, they brought us back into a room for the exam.  Our doctor quickly started the scan and within seconds looked at us with a serious face and said, "I do not see any movement, and I do not see a heartbeat."  As we began to lose it, she said, "I'm sorry, but I must continue.  I need to be 200% sure."  I could no longer look at the screen, so I just kept my head in my hands while Jason wrapped his arms around me.  Our doctor's final words were, "I am so sorry, but I am afraid that this little guy is gone.  I will leave you two alone."  We sat there weeping and asking God and each other, "Why?"  We had been praying specifically for time with Brody.  That is all we wanted, just a little time to look him into the eyes and tell him how much we loved him.  I was supposed to still have two months to carry him, proudly, while he moved around inside of me.  We had planned our summer around him, because we wanted to.  We were not ready to let him go, not even close.  (I will let Jason pick up from here.)

It was around 2:30 PM that Saturday when we were given two options; either go home and come back within a week to be induced, or check into the hospital that day. Between the two of us, we couldn't imagine going home and then having to come back. We checked in that day and they induced Lindsey at around 5:00 PM. The doctors were not certain as to how long the labor would last, but they thought Brody would be delivered sometime on Sunday. Our family came to visit us on Saturday night. We spent a lot of time talking and getting ready for what was to come Sunday. That night we didn't sleep much. Between the nurses coming in every hour or so, the anxiety of "when", and the fact that we were in a hospital, sleep was the last thing on our minds. We decided to get out of bed at 6:00 AM on Sunday morning. The nurse let Lindsey and me go for a walk and get something to eat in the hospital cafeteria. We spent most of the time in silence, simply knowing what the other was feeling; we were not ready to give Brody up.  The rest of the time we spent discussing Lindsey's options regarding pain relief during the delivery. As much as this was Lindsey's decision, I didn't want her to remember this day as one filled with both emotional and physical pain. Lindsey made the call and the epidural was done at 9:00 AM. At this time, her contractions were less than a minute apart. As the pain drifted, Lindsey's eyes started to close as she fell asleep. I let her get some rest and went to greet our family in the room next store. 

About a hour and a half later, Lindsey's water broke. I ran back into the room and saw Lindsey in tears. She looked so terrified. I ran to her side and grabbed her hand. I had confidence at that time that only God can deliver. It was the same confidence that I had when I got off the phone with the doctors the day that we found out about Brody's condition. The doctor and nursing staff rushed into the room as Lindsey laid there in tears. As the doctor worked, I couldn't help but look to see our son's body. That image will be burned in my mind for the rest of my life. The nurse quickly wrapped Brody's body in a blanket and placed him in Lindsey's arms. He was so beautiful. We couldn't see any imperfections, all we could see was our perfect little boy. 

During Lindsey's pregnancy with Brody, I never felt the same connection as she experienced. Her love for him was so strong, much stronger than mine. The second I saw Brody, he became real. He is my son. At that moment I experienced the connection that Lindsey had been talking about for months. The only problem was that he was no longer with us.  

(we will update more at a later time)

Update

Dear Family and Friends,

We have been trying to find the energy to provide you with a glimpse of our very special day with Brody this past Sunday.  We do so look forward to sharing more of Brody's story with you, but to be honest are feeling emotionally overwhelmed at this time.  We felt more deeply in love with this child than we ever could have expected, and miss him soooo much.  If we had it our way, we would still be carrying him, and waiting for our time with him.  It came and went much too quickly, so we are clinging to the fact that sweet Brody is with our Heavenly Father and many other dear friends and family that have gone before us.  We know that we will be with him again one day, but we so don't want to wait right now...we still want more time here on this earth.  Brody was precious and beautiful and perfect.

We have really appreciated the outpouring of support from our extraordinary family and friends.  My how you have all managed to lighten the load a little, carrying us, with our Lord, just as He promises.  We are thankful for you all and continue to feel so blessed by our Brody.  Between the two of us, we are determined to record every detail of Brody's birthday weekend, celebrate him meeting our amazing Father, and to be able to share it all with you.

Thank you for taking the time to read all that is on our hearts.  You are helping us to make this sweet baby boy's life significant, as it so deserves to be.

Love,
Jason & Lindsey

"I asked the Lord to give me this child, and he has given me my request.  Now I am giving him to the Lord, and he will belong to the Lord his whole life."
- 1 Samuel 1: 27-29

Brody's Birthday

Our sweet Brody was welcomed into Heaven today.
We have peace knowing he is in the hands of Jesus, looking down at us with a smile filled with joy.
We will miss our little buddy, however, we know we will see him in the future. 
We will share more about our special day with him later.

Visit to Brody's Birthplace

This past Tuesday afternoon, Jason and I had the opportunity to visit the University of Minnesota Hospital, where Brody will be born.  We had no idea what to expect, or much of an understanding of who we would be meeting with, but certainly were eager for more professional opinions regarding Brody's care after he is born.  Fortunately, the Director of Neonatology, Dr. Thomas George, stepped into the waiting area and called our name.  We quickly came to understand who he was, and more importantly, that he cared about each and every life he was dealing with.

Dr. George's first question for us was, "does your little boy have a name yet?"  He had already gained our trust.  We were then introduced to the social worker that we will be developing our birth plan with, and another genetic counselor.  I was certain that I was going to be strong throughout this meeting, focusing on the important decisions and listening closely to all of their professional advice.  But after we all had sat down at the table, and everyone had introduced themselves, I began to lose it.  I guess I was not prepared to talk about the different ways that my sweet son may die.  When I thought more honestly about it, that is exactly what we were about to discuss.

Clearly these gifted professionals have dealt with many families dealing with this type of loss as they began to say things that were comforting and compassionate.  Jason and I again started to feel as if Brody is the most important child being born in 2011, and that they had all the time in the world to listen, educate and assist us in making the best decisions for Brody.

We have been strongly leaning towards "comfort care" (or palliative care) for Brody after he is born.  The goal of this approach is to make your baby as comfortable as possible along with avoiding any interventions that will simply prolong the inevitable.  If the doctors continue to confirm that Brody's condition is incompatible with life, and that interventions such as oxygen and feeding tubes will only prolong his death, possibly causing him to feel more discomfort and stress, then we do not want to put him through that.  That being said, I have been having a difficult time finalizing this decision.  I want to be completely informed of all of our options, understanding just why some people choose certain levels of intervention, and what the outcomes have been.  I want to KNOW that doctors do not simply give up on these children, and that if Brody's condition after he is born reflects healing or appears hopeful, that we are ready and able to take a different approach and support him appropriately. 

Fortunately, Dr. George has cared for many babies with Trisomy.  As we listened to him speak about our various options, it became very clear to us that he too believed comfort care was the best decision for our child.  In short, he explained to us that a few hours with Brody up to a few days was the most likely scenario.  He explained that many families choose this approach so that the focus of the short time with their child can be on loving them, holding them, and allowing them to pass on peacefully and naturally.  We did spend time discussing the least invasive interventions, as we know many loving and well-educated families choose these options.  But, Jason and I feel most comfortable leaving Brody's life in our Father's hands as much as possible, and want to avoid having to "remove or turn off" any intervention at a later time.  We feel so much peace in knowing just where Brody is going from here, and do not want to keep him from that perfect place where his condition will no longer exist.

We did not have to put any decisions in writing, and the plan can be changed at any time, even after Brody is born.  However, at the end of our meeting we both felt a lot of clarity and confidence in our thinking, and were definitely thankful for the amazing team that we are working with.  When Dr. George asked us if there was anything else we wanted to discuss, I could not help but thank them for respecting Brody so much.  I wanted them to know that we so appreciated them calling him by his name throughout the meeting, and for valuing each decision about his life even when they cannot ultimately do anything to change the outcome.  We looked at this brilliant doctor in the eyes as he began to cry.  Hopefully, it was because he feels tremendous satisfaction helping families like us work through these tough decisions.  And hopefully, he knows that although we would give anything for Brody to stay here with us, we are just looking to him to assist us in making Brody's transition from our care to our Father's care as perfect as possible.  And hopefully, he knows we see him as yet another way God is able to work directly with us here on this earth.

Thoughtfulness and Wristbands

It has been a while since we have updated our blog, probably because we have been "coasting".  Jason and I were talking this weekend and realized that we had both been taking the same approach over the last couple weeks.  I am not sure if it was our doctor's recommendation to me to limit the amount of time that I ask Jason to talk about Brody, or that I was not getting any sleep because I was staying up late into the night reading about other families and their stories, or if Addison's demands for all of my attention where successful.  Nonetheless, I have found myself taking a break from "thinking so much" and rather choosing to focus almost all of my energy on other things.  I have chosen to avoid conversations and thinking about birth plans and death plans...it was becoming just too overwhelming.  We have an appointment at the University of Minnesota Hospital this Tuesday, and will need to discuss and deal with "the tough stuff" at that time.  I think I feel somewhat refreshed and am ready to deal with some difficult decisions and to face the reality that our time with him is drawing closer.  Of course we have no idea what our time with him will look like, but continue to trust that it is in our Father's hands. 

We have been overwhelmed by our family, our friends, and even people that we don't even know.  We are learning that Mr. Brody has quite the fan club, and again and again are reminded that we are so blessed to be the parents of this special little boy.  Thank YOU for providing us with those reminders:)

Very thoughtful friends of ours decided that other people (besides Jason and I) should be able to "carry" Brody with them as well.  Susan and Bill Pauling ordered blue wristbands that read "Blessed by Brody   Jeremiah 1:5" with the idea of raising money in his honor.  Again, we are overwhelmed with gratitude by the idea of this and are trying to wrap our heads around the numerous ways in which people show interest, concern, and their desire to help.  Your prayers and encouraging words have been more than enough, and are simply carrying us through this time.  That being said, we do understand that some people feel prompted to help in additional ways.  Here is a pic of the blue wristbands that we have been wearing proudly all weekend.

The thoughtful coordinators of the "Brody Wristband" have distributed them to other thoughtful friends of ours in order to get them out to thoughtful people who want them (yes, thoughtfulness has been a theme through all of this).  They are asking for a $5 donation that will go to a organization that we have chosen in honor of Brody.  Jason and I decided to spend some time looking into organizations that support disadvantaged children as we have had other interested people ask about memorials for Brody.  We feel strongly that any money donated in honor of Brody should go to children who still have a shot at life, but do not have a mom or a dad and the resources for a healthy life without support.  We have set up a donation page with a organization called "Friends of the Orphans" which supports children in Latin America and the Caribbean who have been orphaned or abandoned and are certainly disadvantaged.  If you are interested in learning more about this organization, you can visit Brody's donation page which has links to the organization's homepage.  Also, we would be happy to send you a wristband if that would be easiest.  Just shoot me a email at lindsey_vaughan@hotmail.com.

www.friendsoftheorphans.org/BrodyVaughan

Please know that we do not expect people to give financially or wear a wristband, and that this has all been yet another unexpected blessing from Brody.  Again, your prayers and supportive words have lifted our spirits, and revealed God's greatness to us.  We cannot say "thank you" enough, and ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers over the next few months.

We will certainly be providing a update after our visit to Brody's birthplace tomorrow.  Our next check-up and ultrasound is still a week away, but I can tell you now that if a baby's movement is any indicator of their strength, little Brody is going to be a fighter.  He has not stopped moving for several days now, and is putting my belly into all sorts of strange positions and shapes.  I pray that he comes into this world kicking and screaming like a wild man:)

Love,
Lindsey

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.  Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world."
-Jeremiah 1:5