Brody's Birthday- Part 1

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
- Job 1:21

Here is our beautiful boy.  Brody Paul Vaughan was delivered into our Father's arms before we were able to deliver him into our own,  but we continue to feel peace.  I could not resist sharing this picture for another day; we have been admiring how perfect and peaceful he is, and are trying to decide whether he looks more like mom or dad.

It has been difficult to find the motivation and energy to write about our experience last weekend, but it is simply all we can think about and we certainly want to share more of him with you.  We are finding that as we share Brody with family, friends, and people that we don't even know, the love and support pours back to us, carrying us through the next difficult moment or day.  It is so important to us that Brody's life matters, and you are all confirming to us that it does.  Thank you.

Last Saturday, June 11th, we spent the morning in the car driving to and from a cabin in the Bay Lake area with Jason's parents, Rick and Jan.  I had not felt Brody move much the prior day, but had kept that to myself to avoid causing Jason to worry unnecessarily.  In fact, I remember many days when I was pregnant with Addison, where there was little to no movement, but then the following day she would make up for it.  So, I decided to use the four hours in the car to decide if there was something to worry about.  Brody has been a very active baby, so when all four hours went by while I was sitting still in my seat, and I did not feel a single movement, I began to worry.  When we arrived back in the Cities, I called my doctor and she asked me to come into the University Medical Center as soon as possible to have a ultrasound.  We left Addison with my parents and hurried to the U of M. 

When we arrived, they brought us back into a room for the exam.  Our doctor quickly started the scan and within seconds looked at us with a serious face and said, "I do not see any movement, and I do not see a heartbeat."  As we began to lose it, she said, "I'm sorry, but I must continue.  I need to be 200% sure."  I could no longer look at the screen, so I just kept my head in my hands while Jason wrapped his arms around me.  Our doctor's final words were, "I am so sorry, but I am afraid that this little guy is gone.  I will leave you two alone."  We sat there weeping and asking God and each other, "Why?"  We had been praying specifically for time with Brody.  That is all we wanted, just a little time to look him into the eyes and tell him how much we loved him.  I was supposed to still have two months to carry him, proudly, while he moved around inside of me.  We had planned our summer around him, because we wanted to.  We were not ready to let him go, not even close.  (I will let Jason pick up from here.)

It was around 2:30 PM that Saturday when we were given two options; either go home and come back within a week to be induced, or check into the hospital that day. Between the two of us, we couldn't imagine going home and then having to come back. We checked in that day and they induced Lindsey at around 5:00 PM. The doctors were not certain as to how long the labor would last, but they thought Brody would be delivered sometime on Sunday. Our family came to visit us on Saturday night. We spent a lot of time talking and getting ready for what was to come Sunday. That night we didn't sleep much. Between the nurses coming in every hour or so, the anxiety of "when", and the fact that we were in a hospital, sleep was the last thing on our minds. We decided to get out of bed at 6:00 AM on Sunday morning. The nurse let Lindsey and me go for a walk and get something to eat in the hospital cafeteria. We spent most of the time in silence, simply knowing what the other was feeling; we were not ready to give Brody up.  The rest of the time we spent discussing Lindsey's options regarding pain relief during the delivery. As much as this was Lindsey's decision, I didn't want her to remember this day as one filled with both emotional and physical pain. Lindsey made the call and the epidural was done at 9:00 AM. At this time, her contractions were less than a minute apart. As the pain drifted, Lindsey's eyes started to close as she fell asleep. I let her get some rest and went to greet our family in the room next store. 

About a hour and a half later, Lindsey's water broke. I ran back into the room and saw Lindsey in tears. She looked so terrified. I ran to her side and grabbed her hand. I had confidence at that time that only God can deliver. It was the same confidence that I had when I got off the phone with the doctors the day that we found out about Brody's condition. The doctor and nursing staff rushed into the room as Lindsey laid there in tears. As the doctor worked, I couldn't help but look to see our son's body. That image will be burned in my mind for the rest of my life. The nurse quickly wrapped Brody's body in a blanket and placed him in Lindsey's arms. He was so beautiful. We couldn't see any imperfections, all we could see was our perfect little boy. 

During Lindsey's pregnancy with Brody, I never felt the same connection as she experienced. Her love for him was so strong, much stronger than mine. The second I saw Brody, he became real. He is my son. At that moment I experienced the connection that Lindsey had been talking about for months. The only problem was that he was no longer with us.  

(we will update more at a later time)