It has been nearly six months since we lost Brody. Most of the time it feels like it has been a few weeks. Probably because, for some reason I chose to shut down a lot of my emotions after we lost him. Prior to losing him, during the months that I carried Brody after learning of his condition, Jason and I tried very hard to focus on what was positive, our blessings. There were many, and still are. In doing that I was also trying very hard to shut down any negative feelings. At times I would let myself be honest about what was sad, difficult, and confusing. But most of the time I didn't. Without any real direction from anyone, I continued with this approach after he was gone, even though many days it did not feel like it was working.
There have been several times over the past 6 months where I have felt God asking me to just talk to Him and be honest with Him. Just that simple urge to go to one of my books, journals, the Bible or even this blog. But, that seemed too difficult. It was going to take me back to that painful place where I had been throughout the previous months and especially on the day we lost him. Most of the time I chose "distraction" instead. The busier I kept myself, the better. That way I would not have to think about how I really felt and how I so wished that Brody was here with me.
We began seeing a counselor in September, as I felt myself "losing it", to say the least. I started noticing that I was not able to finish a page in a book, a short prayer, one small task on a "to do" list, or anything that required any sort of concentration. I was becoming angry with Jason for things that I had never cared about, I found myself having no energy for basic daily tasks, and I could not remember anything for the life of me. I was living day to day, with really no idea what was going on the next day, but rather just what we could do to breeze through the day.
The counselor helped us realize that it does not matter how difficult our situation is compared to the next, that we needed to go through the stages of grief. She encouraged us to be more real and to spend time "in"the grief. For me this meant looking at Brody's pictures, watching a slide show of his pictures, reading from the many books that were given to us from loving friends and family, and talking about him.
I have been reading a book called, "A Grace Disguised", by Dr. Jerry Sittser. I think I will continue to read this book over and over again for the rest of my life. Dr. Sittser has met me in the middle, acknowledging his pain while also focusing on his blessings. He has gone through the unthinkable, losing three members of his family in one accident, and has come out with grace. (Now, I have decided I am NOT into comparing one's grief to another's, but let's just say that his loss seems like the absolute worst that one should have to deal with in a lifetime). Through his book he talks about how he lives with the grief and pain of his loss every day to some degree, but that he also lives with the grace that has transformed him. He discussed his broadened perspective, looking at his own loss in light of global experience. After doing this, instead of asking the question, "Why me?" he began to ask the question, "Why not me?". Sittser says, "The experience of loss does not have to be the defining moment of our lives, instead, the defining moment can be our response to the loss. It is not what happens to us that matters so much as what happens in us."
Sittser lost his mother, wife and daughter all in the same moment. Although he very honestly longs for them to still be with him, he has chosen to give thanks to God for giving him each one of them in the first place. He acknowledges that he grew up in a healthy and safe home with a loving mother that he developed a good relationship with, he is thankful for that. He feels blessed to have met and married such a wonderful woman, whom he loved dearly, something some people never get the opportunity to experience. And he had a beautiful daughter that he raised for 4+ years and that he will be with again someday. Above all, Sittser talks about his relationship with God and the undeserving grace that He provides him with every day. Sittser knows that God suffered too, when He lost his own son, and that He suffers every day with us as we deal with our pain and loss. He also knows from the depths of his heart that this is just our temporary home, and that if he is patient, he will be with his loved ones again one day, for ever and ever.
I love his perspective, and on most days it makes so much sense. When I think about how God, or even Brody, looks at me and my pain, I know they are just saying, "if you only knew." When I feel grounded in these truths that Sittser talks about (which are all biblical, as that is his source), I no longer feel sorry for myself and in addition, do not fear what may come in the future. I am very aware that this will be something I will need to continue to be reminded of, which is why I plan to read this book over and over again my whole life:-)
Sittser also discusses God's sovereignty, His complete authority over the universe. This truth about God has been a challenge for us over the past year, as we have witness great loss in our family and friends lives and also in dealing with the "whys" of our situation. Mostly, "if God is sovereign than why did he create a sweet little boy who was unable to live?" Our faith has been challenged, but ultimately strengthened, as God has been present and I see no other way of dealing with pain and loss that with Him. (I will leave the various perspectives on God's sovereignty up to Sittser...it is hardly possible to explain this without writing a novel of my own!)
So, when I am honest with myself and with others, the truth is that there are many days when I feel like I just wish Brody could have been healthy and stayed with us. I see other moms with their healthy babies and just wish my life could be like there's. However, MOST of the time, deep down in my heart, I am thankful that we were given Brody. God gave us Brody. He didn't have to give us anything, not Addison or Brody. But he did. We have a son, our second child, that is safe in heaven, waiting for us.
That, however, brings me to something that has been on my heart from the months I carried Brody till now, all the time. Some people, and it seems like many these days, are never able to carry a baby; some cannot conceive and some conceive only to find out over and over again that the baby did not even make it through the first few weeks. This form of loss is far more difficult for me to process than the loss of Brody. I pray that God is present for these families and that He reveals His grace to them in obvious and real ways. I pray that God blesses these families and that His sovereign plan for them brings as much joy to them as anything they could have imagined.
All that said, I find myself coming full circle. I could say that I although I have depended on God through much of the last year, I have also turned away, tired and frustrated. I have found myself caught in a pattern of choices, in order to deal with my pain in the moment, that leave me more empty and sad. But, when I crawl back to our Father, asking Him to carry me through this life, both the good and the bad, I find the grace and peace (and sometimes joy) that I once felt and know I can experience during this life, no matter what it brings.
Lindsey
No comments:
Post a Comment