Joy

The first question that people have been asking me lately is, "how ARE you?".  I have been thinking a lot about my answer as I do not want to ramble on about exactly how I am doing, because at times it would take all day.  It seems that there are many points during the day that I find myself off in another world thinking about all the different scenarios and how all of them are less than ideal at best; wishing that this would all go away.  I find myself talking with friends, playing with Addison, or out on a run when I get this heavy feeling in my throat as I stop myself from crying (does anyone else get that?).  But through these sad moments, where happiness seems nowhere near, I have realized that something else has stayed very constant.

It has become very clear how different joy is from happiness.  I have always spoken of this, and maybe at times experienced this, but it has never been more obvious to me than now.  I think I would describe myself as a generally happy person, but I can think of many times in my life where the happiness has been sucked away for periods of time, both brief and more significant.  I would not say that I am happy right now, as Brody's prognosis is not one that I am excited about or positively anticipating.  I would be happy if we were expecting our second child in August, and we were doing all the "happy" things that go along with preparing for that, like organizing the nursery, buying cute boy clothes, making plans for a family of four, and thinking about all the fun things we will do together in the fall.  But, God does not promise us those things.  He has shown me that providing me with the feeling of being "delighted, pleased, or glad, over a particular thing" is not His priority.

On the other hand, I have never experienced JOY like this before.  I feel slightly uncomfortable even writing this, as anticipating the death of our son whom we already love deeply should not be in the same sentence as joy.  But, God has proven to me that joy from Him does not come and go.  His promises regarding joy are more relevant to me now than ever, and I am so thankful for them.  How can I refuse to feel joy when I know that I have a son with a very special purpose that I will someday be with forever and ever?  How can I feel anything less than joy when I feel Brody's uniquely created body wiggling around inside of me?  And how can I resist this joy when I know that I have been given a very important job, to be Brody's mom?

I think God is perfectly comfortable allowing me to go through this season without a whole lot of happy days.  I know that this life will be full of disappointment and that it will hurt.  I also know, for sure, that there is joy to be found in these times, and it is this joy that will stay with us in this world and into the next.  Thank God for that.

I heard this song at church on Sunday.  I couldn't help but be filled with joy over these truths. 

Thank you for taking the time to read all that is on our hearts right now.  I am FAR from a teacher, leader, counselor, and am definitely NOT a writer.  However, I am thankful for this place to talk about my son, and his amazing Creator.

Lindsey

"We do not choose suffering simply because we are told to, but because the one who tells us to describes it as the path to everlasting joy."
- John Piper