I have always been told that when you are faced with a problem, keep your chin up and hold a positive attitude. This is the approach I have taken with our situation. I can’t say it has been easy; however, it is what keeps me going. The last couple of weeks have challenged my approach and I can certainly say that it has made me ask God over and over again…why?
I don’t believe in luck. I believe good things happen because of the actions we take along the way. With that said, I feel like a hypocrit because I am starting to believe in bad luck. If I choose the right angles on certain things in life, good things will eventually happen. Why then do bad things happen? If we make conscious decisions in life to be good, do the right thing, and love others, how is it that the outcome can be negative? There are some things that happen in life that simply seem unfair. They may come all at once, or may be spread over our lifetime. God has never challenged me with something like this before. For me, this challenge has become very real.
I know that life is not fair, and the last thing I am saying is that only good things should happen to good people. In life we can make decisions that will ultimately have consequences. But what if a decision or action was never made and the outcome still had a negative effect on us? For instance, last week my car was “keyed” from front to back in our office parking lot. This clearly was not the outcome of a decision that I made in the past. It was a random event that happened, and I simply was on the receiving end. God has provided us all with the gift of “free-will”. This gift can be good or bad, it depends on how we use it. The individual who chose to key my car was using his/her own free-will to express their own frustration in life on me and my car. Now, the hardest question of them all…whose, if anyone's, free-will determined the fate of our son? I have always been told that Jesus has a special love for children. I don’t doubt that, but how could this special love prevent our son from living a normal life?
Lindsey and I are doing our best to keep our chin up during this hard time. Lindsey has been a true blessing in my life in that she has so much wisdom around staying positive. Her attitude is contagious, and I can’t help but stay happy when I am around her. The reality is she can only stay positive for so long. There is going to be a day coming shortly, where her positive attitude will fade. The day we lose Brody will be the start to a long journey together. Lindsey has an incredible emotional attachment to Brody. Her view is that she has been blessed to carry him for the last 7 months. My emotional attachment is only the result of talking about him, singing to him with Lindsey at night, and reading about his condition. As I think about Lindsey’s amazing attitude, I realize the possibility of how it may end. With that, I have made a conscious decision to slowly remove my emotional attachment. This is something I quite possibly will regret, however I don’t know how I could do it any differently. When Brody joins God in Heaven, one of us needs to be there to hold our family together. We all have highs and lows, my fear is Lindsey’s current high, will become very, very low once he passes away. If we are both in that state of mind, how do we move on? It is weird to think about planning your emotional mindset when it comes to losing a child. I love our son with all my heart. I also love my wife and daughter more than anything in this world. I realize that I may have regret around this decision, but the regret of not being strong when your wife is broken is much worse.
Message to Brody:
I love you so much. I am so proud of your incredible growth in the last month. Your Mom and I were so excited to see you at last week’s ultrasound. You look so much like Addy when we saw her ultrasound pictures. I pray to God that you are safe, comfortable, and happy while you grow within your Mom. I am so excited for the day that I can hold you and tell you how much I love you.
Love, Dad
No comments:
Post a Comment