OUR decision

Good Morning,

It is only 6:30 in the morning, but I am lying here in bed, thinking about a conversation that I had this weekend with someone who certainly does not understand our decision to carry Brody.  I do not need to tell you the name, and please do not ask; it makes no difference.  However, I am writing this as I realized that some people simply do not understand the decision we were faced with.  I stated in an earlier blog, that carrying Brody was a easy decision, one that did not take more than a few seconds for our heart to decide.  But it is also one that has been confirmed over and over again, and one in which we certainly understand the alternative.  Let me explain this to you, faith aside, for a moment.

At our 8 week appointment, just a few weeks after we learned that we were expecting a baby, we were offered a very standard first trimester screening.  This is blood work that determines the likelihood of a variety of genetic disorders, to either offer parents the option of terminating the pregnancy or to classify a pregnancy as "high risk" in order to watch the baby more closely prior to the 20 week ultrasound.  We opted against this for a few reasons; 1) these test often creates undo concern, when the presence of a disorder is still very unlikely, 2) our insurance does not cover this expensive testing, and 3) we would not terminate the pregnancy anyway.

This brings me to our decision after our 20 week ultrasound, just over a month ago.  At this point, Brody was almost 12 inches long and just about 1 lb.  His pictures reveal his perfect face, arms, hands, tummy, legs, and feet.  When we found out that Brody had Trisomy 13, we knew that it was an option to end the pregnancy early.  Ending the pregnancy early at this point means going to the hospital, being induced into labor, giving birth to a one pound baby boy, that may or may not be alive, and then choosing whether to hold him for a short period of time, or have him quickly taken away by the nurses, so that no bonding occurs.  I don't even feel comfortable talking about the next choice we would have had to make regarding what to do with his one pound body.

I am very sure that there are beautifully, wonderful people that have made this decision, and we in NO way judge them or look down upon them for that.  The decision to end the pregnancy early is not an easy way out, and does not come without consequences as well.  We have researched this, and discussed this with our genetic counselor and a family grief counselor (who works with families dealing with fatal conditions).  These individuals have seen many families dealing with this type of loss, and have assured us that we will not regret our decision. But, that they have seen many families suffer from regret and shame after ending the pregnancy early, and without wanting to, bonding to the baby that they carried and thought about for almost 5 months.

We are solid in our decision for these reasons, but also due to our belief that Brody is God's child and His creation.  We do not feel that it is up to us to decide when his life will end, and we are relieved that God will make that decision for us.  I will not ramble on any more about that right now, as I probably have plenty in other blogs.  I do want to say that I realize that since no one else is carrying this special child, that others can not possibly be as wrapped up with his life as I am;  I don't even expect Jason to be.  But since I love him just as if he was a healthy little boy that I am already able to hold and have dreams for, it was very difficult for me to have this little "discussion" yesterday.  I respect everyone's opinion, and also understand that it almost impossible to know exactly how you would handle the situation until you are in it.  So, to my lovely "counselor" who I know was just worried about me, and felt the need to attempt to change my mind....my mind is very made up.  Jason's mind is made up, and we are very thankful for the support of our friends and family, both those who support our decision, and those who simply support us, regardless of whether they agree with us.  Enough said.

love,
Lindsey