No matter what, you are a blessing.

Dear Brody,

We love you!  Your dad and I have not been able to stop thinking about you.  We do not expect to officially meet you until August, but we feel so close to you already.  Last Wednesday, March 30th, we went in for our 20 week ultrasound, and were anxious to see you and find out if you were a boy or a girl.  Just a minute or so into the ultrasound, the technician said, "you have a little boy!"  I immediately looked at your dad whose face had lit up.  He would not admit it, but he secretly was hoping you were a little boy and although he adores your sister, Addison, as much as humanly possible, he has had some things other than dolls and tutu's planned for you:)  The ultrasound went as expected, so after it was complete we just waited for our doctor to come in and review the findings.  Dr. Jeffers came in to the room and quickly sat down.  All we heard was, "unfortunately we found some abnormalities on the ultrasound indicating a genetic disorder, possibly Down Syndrome."  We were shocked and overwhelmed as we thought of what that meant for you.

We spent the next 24 hours praying and talking with each other about this new reality.  We already were so in love with you and were having a hard time imagining you dealing with some of the challenges that lie ahead.  Your grandparents were all over at our house immediately, as they are just as excited to meet you as we are and were of course concerned.  We knew we were going to have to do some waiting, because we had a second level ultrasound planned for the next day to confirm the findings.  We spent the rest of the night talking about you, Brody.  We talked about how no parent wants to watch their child to walk an uphill battle their whole life, but we talked and prayed about God equipping us to raise you into a loving, carefree, and confident kid who would be able to contribute to this world in ways that your dad and I never could.  Of course we were grieving about the concerns regarding your health, but we knew God was all over it.

On Thursday we went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists to learn more about you and your condition.  First we sat down with a genetic counselor, Cheri, who we later realized was the first "angel on earth" God would provide to help us work through this difficult time.  We told Cheri that we were expecting the specialists to confirm that you had Down Syndrome, and that possibly there were abnormalities with your little heart, brain and the omphalecele on your abdominal wall.  She gently explained to us that the ultrasound report from the previous day indicated the likelihood of one of three possible genetic disorders: down syndrome, trisomy 18 and trisomy 13.  We did not know much about these other conditions, but knew that they were more severe than what we had been processing for the past 24 hours.  Cheri kindly offered to explain to us each condition, but your dad and I both knew that we wanted to know what you were dealing with before we learned about it.  My heart was breaking, Brody.  This is when I knew that there was a chance that I would not be able to spend much, if any, time with you. 

The ultrasound tech said that she would explain everything to us in as much detail as we wanted.  (We wanted to know every detail about you.)  She started with your brain, taking several measurements, many of which she said were normal.  She explained to us that your cerebellum looked slightly smaller than they would expect, but that they see that in healthy babies sometimes.  She looked at your face and told us how beautiful you are.  We learned that your head was down, which was different from the day before...we smiled for a second, thinking about how you just may be as wiggly as your dad. She worked down to your heart, which was beating at 130 bpm.  We were anxious to know of the condition of your heart.  The tech said, "it is small, I don't see any specific defects, but it is small."  She went through each and every part of your body, not mentioning many other concerns, and also noting that the omphalecele is much smaller than most of them that she has seen.  I guess that was good news.

When the ultrasound was complete, the doctor came in to do an amniocentesis.  We decided that it was important to find out the specifics regarding your diagnosis so that we could prepare appropriately, both medically and emotionally.  Your dad and I felt like we were already making decisions for you that seemed more intense and significant that we ever imagined making in your lifetime.  This too, made me love you even more.

The next 24 hours were extremely difficult, as we waited for our genetic counselor to call back with the genetic testing results.  I lied awake in my bed through much of the night experiencing guilt.  Even though they had explained to us that these are all genetic disorders, I was obsessed with what I had done wrong during the last 20 weeks of pregnancy that did this to you.  I spent hours on the internet investigating the various causes and the prognosis for these different conditions.  Thankfully, your sweet grandparents stayed over night at our house that night so that they could get up with Addison and take her to the zoo while we waited for this dreaded phone call.

At about 1:00 pm, they called to tell us that you had full Trisomy 13, a condition that is "incompatible with life".  I lost it as I thought about how we were going to lose you.  I don't want to lose you, Brody.  I do not want to bring you into this world with just enough time to say goodbye.  I just clung to your dad and could not let go.

Love, Mom

"But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!  My future is in your hands."
- Psalms 31:14-15


"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  I will help you.  I will uphold you with my victorious hand."
- Isaiah 41:10