Week 2: Confusion...

The last week has gone by so fast. In some ways it was good as work seemed to keep me busy.  But it is also very difficult because I know that the reality of Brody’s life is coming soon. Lindsey and I have been very blessed to have so many great friends and family step in and support us during this time. We are overwhelmed with love and support. The hardest part for me has been to talk about our situation. I understand the importance of talking about ones feelings; however, I am very confused about how I should be acting. I have been very lost with my emotions. I cried so hard the week we found out and now I almost feel emotionless. I find myself telling friends and family that we are fine, that will get through this together. I am confident that we will get through this together, but it is not easy. We are not fine. Am I just telling myself this to get through an awkward conversation? There is nothing easy about our situation; however, it makes for a very difficult conversation with loved ones as they deeply care about how we are doing. What do you say when someone asks you “how are you doing”? The fact is, I don’t know.

I know that our journey will become clearer as time progresses; however, every day that passes our reality gets closer. I think the reason I am so confused is that I don’t know what to expect. So many statistics have been thrown at us, and I don’t know where our situation sits. I am one that likes a plan; however, it is hard to plan anything when you don’t know what variables we are dealing with. We have an appointment this Wednesday with a team of physicians. They will be taking another ultra-sound to determine Brody’s growth. Depending on what they see in the ultra-sound, we are hoping to get more information to answer the questions of; Will Lindsey go full-term? If so, how long will Brody be with us? What will be the factor that determines our son’s passing? It is very difficult to know in advance that you will lose your child, however, it is extremely difficult to not fully understand the events that will lead up to his death.

Our daughter Addison has been an absolute blessing in this situation. She has brought so much joy to our lives that it is hard to stay sad. Recently she started asking questions about ‘baby Brody’. She seems to think that she has a baby in her stomach just like her Mom. The other day she told us that she was going to give her favorite stuffed animal to Brody when he is born. My heart aches when I hear her talk about him. I have no clue how we’re going to explain this to her. I know that she is too young to fully understand the situation, however, I see how excited she gets when his name is mentioned.


Message to Brody:

My little buddy, your Mom and I are so proud of you. I look forward to every night when we sing you a song before going to bed. This is the one time during the day where I feel like I am spending time with you. I know that time on earth is only a fraction of eternity. And God says that you and I will spend eternity together in Heaven. When this day comes, I promise you this; I will never leave your side.

I love you buddy,

Dad