It was Wednesday March 30th, the day we had been waiting for since we found out we were expecting our 2nd child. This day had been on my mind for weeks, it was the day we were going to find out if our house would be dominated by girls…or…boys. Lindsey and I had planned to meet at the doctor’s office. We originally were going to have our daughter Addison stay with a friend, however, last minute we thought it would be exciting for her to see her brother or sister for the first time.
I left the office early that morning to get to the doctor’s office. Lindsey had not arrived yet, so I sat in my car thinking about how incredible it was going to be having another baby in the house. Every guy always dreams of having a son, however, our daughter Addison stole my heart from the day she was born. It was a tossup, but either way I was going to be the luckiest Dad in the world.
When Lindsey and Addison arrived we all ran into the clinic excited as ever. We sat down with the ultra-sound tech first to listen to the heart beat and determine what we had been waiting for so long. The ultra-sound tech started her scanning and started smiling. We asked her if she could determine the sex, and she said yes with certainty… it was a boy! Our faces lit up with excitement. I was overwhelmed with happiness, the son every Father dreams for. At that moment, I was the happiest man alive. That very same moment would be that last minute we would live what we thought was “our normal”. Within 5 minutes of our ultra-sound, our physician entered our room. She said there were complications, concerns in the images she saw that pointed out a possible genetic disorder. All I can remember from that meeting was the words “down syndrome”.
My wife and I left that morning with tears in our eyes. We instantly thought of our future, what would things look like? How would we do this? For two days we waited to hear back from the genetics specialist. On Friday April 1st, we received a call. We anticipated the worst, or what we thought was the worst. The specialist started by saying “it is not good”. The test indicated a rare genetic disorder call Trisomy 13. Statistics state that this disorder affects 1 in 10,000 pregnancies. The specialist went on with all the details of our son’s disorder. All I heard was “this is not compatible with life”. As I took notes, my wife sat on the couch looking at me for answers. It wasn’t until after I finished the call that I explained to my wife what our new “normal” would entail. She instantly dropped to her knees crying. The pain, sadness, and anger set in. Why us? What did we do? Could we have done something different? How could God let this happen? So many questions raced through my mind. Not only do I need to face this battle internally, I need to be a source of strength for my family. At that moment I prayed to God to give me the strength to be strong, to think rationally in order to support my wife. That prayer was answered is so many ways. God has this incredible way of providing peace of mind. I was still so confused, however, in that moment I knew God had a plan.
The next day I was down stairs getting ready for Lindsey’s parent to come over. I started thinking about our son, whom we named Brody. I drifted off thinking about how I was going to teach him how to play hockey, golf, and all the things Dad’s teach their sons. At that moment I lost it. Just the day before I was confident that God had a plan. Now I questioned what this plan was? I kept saying to God that this was not fair. Brody is so innocent, why not me?
The next few days passed and as the reality of our son’s short life set in, I built up more anger. As a Husband to Lindsey I have always taken pride in solving life’s problems. There was always a way to approach a problem and solve it. I was so mad that this problem could not be fixed. There was nothing I could do to change our reality. It was then when I realized this was completely out of my hands. I prayed to God more in those first few days than I prayed in my whole life.
A day or two later we welcomed a visit from our Pastor, Rich. He wanted to talk with Lindsey and I about how we were managing our emotions. He affirmed that being broken, confused, and filled with anger were normal. He went on to explain that God does not wish these horrible things on us. That he hurts in the same way as we are hurting. He recommended that I circle up a group of guy friends to lean on during the hard times. As much as this makes sense, I am a guy… I don’t like talking about my feelings, especially with other guys. I understand the importance of this; however, I think it is going to be sometime before I am able to open up.
Message to Brody:
My son, this week has been the hardest 7 days of my life. Your Mom and I could not be more excited to welcome you into this world. We understand that God has bigger plans for you than here on earth. This breaks our heart; however, we know that God has incredible things for you. A client of mine summed it up perfect this past week; he told me that you were so lucky. That some people spend a lifetime looking for Jesus, and you get to meet him the day you are born. As hard as it is, I know that he is right. I love you so much Brody! I promise you, I will cherish every day as you grow inside your Mommy.
With all my love, Dad
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